My last journal feels awfully rant-y and depressive a week later. Wonder why that is? Maybe because my fears proved to be for naught. I mean, I’m still playing the doubt game, but I’m playing while focusing on a million other things so I’m a less active participant. Liking the metaphor?
Except for the fact that my stomach decided to play games with me this morning and prevent me from going to class, I’m feeling pretty good. I got to hang out with a friend who came and stayed over in our room because her roommate smelled like cigarette smoke and it was making her sick. That was last night, when I also spent some time with my . . . something. He took me downtown to meet some of his friends and get food, which was fun despite the fact that I was the youngest person there by quite a bit. After my last class today, my roommate and I are also planning to have a few people over to play games or hang out or what not. Good times, good times.
Unfortunately, I still have to work two days tomorrow, not to mention continue catching up on my homework. I just added a class, which means I have to go buy the books for it and make up all the lecture notes. All I can say is that I’m thrilled I made up the lab portion today, since it’s a science class. Still, I have one or two more things with my money situation to get straightened out, and I should probably do that today–or now–before my Mom calls and asks me if I’ve done them.
Also hoping to get a phone call from dontmakemeover regarding how yesterday went for her. That would provide a lovely little break in the monotony of this afternoon. If you read this and it’s before 3:30, give me a call. Okay?
It’s amazing how much my mood can swing in the space of a few days. I went from being so blissfully giddy and happy at the beginning of the week to wondering if there’s something wrong with . . . well, either this situation or me in general. To paraphrase one of my favorite books, "It’s hard when you feel like you’ve connected with someone and then the next day it seems like they want to take it all back." Or something like that. I’m not entirely sure how it goes but that’s the gist.
God, I just don’t know anymore. It’s infuriating in a way, trying to have something with someone who only comes around when you ask. I don’t want to be the one doing all the work here, because it makes me look like I’m throwing myself at him. And I am under no circumstances the sort who does that. On top of not wanting to be played as a fool, I also don’t want to give my somewhat know-it-all mother the satisfaction of being right here. Partially because I really want this to work out, to go somewhere, but also because I have my pride to consider. And my pride refuses to acknowledge that I could have potentially fallen for two different people at two times who are all wrong for me.
Helpful advice anyone? Sorry to bitch to the few people who read this, but I just don’t know what to do.
There are numerous reasons for this, though the particular one is not something I feel comfortable going into here. Let’s just say that last night was an interesting one and leave it at that. Lots of things revealed that I’d been wanting revealed, and I’m not sure how to deal with that or what emotion to focus on at any given moment. It’s a little crazy, and though I’m not unused to crazy, I am unused to this kind of crazy. *sigh*
Anyway, I’m still behind on my job stuff and I still need to sort out the money situation, and I need to fill my prescription and buy more books, as well as a couple notebooks since I completely forgot about that the other day. And all of this has to be done in the space of about two hours tomorrow.
Plus, I’m still waiting to hear back from the agent. No wonder I’m a little stressed.
So, the stupid online cashier test is apparently impossible to find, which means I have to walk into work today and ask my boss’s assistant to train me in spite of the fact that I haven’t taken the stupid test. We’ll see how that goes over. She’s a nice lady, but I’m not sure what she’ll have to say about that. At least I get to go down there for the staff meeting with one of my friends.
Next, buy books and a couple new notebooks for next semester with the new influx of money that was hopefully transferred to my checking account. (Note to self: ask my boss’s assistant if my paychecks are automatically deposited into my checking account. God, dealing with money is a royal pain in the ass.)
Practice clarinet for my chair audition later this week. I will not be sitting last in my section because of a dumb mistake this coming semester. I won’t, I won’t, I won’t!
Potentially work out if I get the energy or the compulsion. Again, we’ll see if that comes to pass.
Finish journaling about the events of the past couple days. I can’t afford to fall any farther behind than I already am.
And now, to work. That is all.
I’m going back tomorrow, and I’m glad. In spite of all the school and work crap I’m now going to be forced to put up with it, it comes as something of a relief to get back in the routine swing of things. Not to mention three of my friends are already back and my roommate goes back tomorrow morning, so I’ll hopefully get to see all of them within twenty-four hours. Yes!
Even the stupid online cashier training course I have to take for my job sometime tomorrow will NOT kill my mood.
I can’t believe I am still on my Christmas break. Had I been asked a week before finals about whether having a month off would be as good as I’d expected, I probably would have laughed in the face of whoever was doing the asking. Now, I’m beginning to question whether a full month is really necessary. Most of my friends are back at school, and there is only one exception to that rule who doesn’t go to the same school as me.
I’ll be honest. I want to go back. I want to see my college buddies and start new classes and go back to my extra-curricular activities and not have so much freaking time on my hands. Granted, I can be productive when I’m supposed to be, but it’s difficult when I have this much uninterrupted time in front of me.
You’re probably thinking I’m complaining about nothing right now, but it kind of feels like my life is on hold and only going back to school will put it back on track. The thing is that I am a much more functioning person when I have a lot more that needs doing. And if I’m going to be missing nearly all my friends, I figure I might as well miss them from school. (Although I will miss my family.)
Moving on, the four of us are going skiing up north this week, once my sister finishes her finals. I’m looking forward to this, but the last time I came to this place I had issues being on some of the lifts because of my fear of heights. Now, I have come a long way since then, but there’s still that little nagging fear that things aren’t going to go as well as I hope. Plus, it’s going to be freezing when we go up there. And I hate cold weather.
The title should say it all. I sent the email this morning, though it took all the bravery I had to push the ‘send’ button. Anyway, I’m expecting to hear from the agent–who, ironically, shares a name with one of my major characters–within the week. As soon as I know I’ll post something here, as well as something on my facebook. Whether the news will be good or bad obviously remains to be seen.
Wish me luck!