The Recruited: Contest with Brenda Drake

Title: The Recruited
Genre: YA

Pitch (35 words or less): Two teenage killers are recruited by the government to bring down an American terrorist organization trying to take over the country.

First 250 words (more or less):

Chapter One: The Offer

Naomi Williams was running, tearing over the grass towards the concrete wall sixty yards away. She had maybe half a minute left to reach it, thirty seconds to push her legs as hard as they could go until she was out of time. Off to her right, clumps of uniformed girls paid her little attention, glancing up only after she’d blown by them.

Ten seconds. Five. Naomi slapped a hand against the wall just as the loud, metallic buzz of an industrial bell called them back inside. Breathless and panting, she braced both hands against the rough surface and leaned forward, dark hair hanging in her face as she stretched out the backs of her calves. There was never enough time for everything that running entailed. If she chose to stretch properly beforehand that took five minutes off her running time. If she didn’t, the cramps hit sooner. It was a battle she couldn’t win.

Raising her head, she craned her neck to see past the top of the concrete. From where she stood, the barbed wire curling along the top of the wall blotted out part of the sky.

“Williams,” a woman’s voice barked from near the entrance to the yard. “Get over here.”

Naomi drew a hand across her forehead, trying to wipe away some of the sweat. It wasn’t like she could go inside and put on a clean outfit. In juvenile prison, there were no changes of clothes at midday.

Feel free to read and review! I’m up for any kind of constructive criticism you can throw my way! Thanks again for the awesome opportunity!


2 thoughts on “The Recruited: Contest with Brenda Drake

  1. Loved your logline.

    Your excerpt was great as well–intriguing and good voice. Advice? I’d delete the first “was” and just go with Naomi ran, tearing up…

    And nit pick–I wondered if she wouldn’t know who the woman was who barked her name. Little thing, but kind of brought me out of the story.

    Good luck!

  2. Nice, clean pitch! I’m having problems with mine, so I’m super impressed 🙂

    Not really sure why Naomi is running to the wall – is it some form of punishment that all the rest of the girls don’t need to do? Is it something she pushes herself to do? Maybe clear that up a little bit and it will grab the reader a bit more.

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