Can You Leave us Breathless–Contest Entry

Title:  The Recruited
Genre:  YA thriller

Excerpt: 

A few gunshots went off behind him and James sucked in a breath.  These were Renegades all right.  And if they got their hands on him they’d shoot first and ask questions later.  He’d hoped to lose them with his detour, but when he stopped for a moment the pounding of their footsteps told him they still followed.

With few other options, James followed the hallway along the side of the building and into a large room.  Rows of desks, interrupted only by filing cabinets and cubicle walls, filled the space, creating a giant maze.  His field of vision only extended so far in the darkness, but James knew if he kept low to the ground and wound his way through, he could escape without being discovered.  A room this large had to have more than one exit, he thought. 

He began cutting through the desks, sticking a hand out here and there to swing himself around the edge of a cubicle or change directions.  Halfway across the room, he heard the footsteps approaching from the hallway he’d just left behind.  Knowing he had seconds to hide, James rounded a corner and ducked behind one of the desks, wedging himself between an office chair and the wall. 

“Where is he?” the first man’s voice asked. 

“He’s got to be here,” the second man replied.  “Couldn’t have gotten very far.”

“Then we’ll hunt him out.”  The first guy said this with a sharpness that indicated exactly what James had feared.  They caught him and he was toast.  “Tell the others to keep searching.” 

There are others?  Covering his mouth with one hand to minimize the sound of his breathing, James tried to come up with a plan.  If he couldn’t find Naomi, he was dead.  If the Renegades—and there was no longer any doubt that these were—found him, he was also dead. 

This is a little late to the party, but at least I'm getting it in before midnight on the 21st.  Comment, offer constructive criticism, whatever you wish.  I'm up for anything!

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5 thoughts on “Can You Leave us Breathless–Contest Entry

  1. This is a really good excerpt. I want to know what happens next which is very good.

    One sentence bugs me, but it could be me being tired. “and there was no longer any doubt that these were.” I think it might be better written, “and there was no longer any doubt that these weren’t.” I could be wrong. Just a thought. Other than that, it’s really good. Great job!

    And thanks for your comment on my post. I fixed the issues and all is well now! 🙂

  2. Thank you for participating in Can You Leave Us Breathless? Blogfest Contest. Your entry has been judged.

    Good luck!

    The Judges (Connie, Joannine, Marissa, and Brenda)

  3. good start

    I like that the situation seems pretty dangerous and still, the MC keeps his wits. I am missing some emotions from him though, and body reactions. How does he feel when he knows they are out to kill him? Won’t his hands slip on the door from sweat? Wouldn’t his breathing become faster and harder to suppress? The MC reads a little too “cool” imho.

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